Sometimes I don’t feel as if the body I live in is my own. Everything’s wired right; when I wiggle my toes, I can feel them. They are a part of me. But my toes don’t look like me. Neither does my hair, or my chin, or my legs, or stomach. In fact, the only parts of me that really look like me are my shoulders, eyes, and nose. And I don’t really know why.
My eyes rock. They’re large, blue/green/gray, and shocking against my hair. My shoulders are just shoulders. There isn’t anything special about them. And my nose is massive and odd-looking. I wonder why it’s those features. I have lovely (albeit unmanageable) hair, so why the eyes instead of the hair? And I have horrid thighs that are way out of proportion to my calves (which are skinny), so why do I feel at home in my nose even though I dislike my nose, and not my thighs? And my shoulders… are just shoulders. There’s nothing special about them except that they tan slightly easier than the rest of my body, but so do the tops of my feet.
I think that’s odd, that my body doesn’t fit how I think of myself. I guess if I recreated my body into how I feel that I look, I’d probably have some of the same features that I do now, but mostly different. I’d have the same hairline, the same slightly bent-back middle fingers, the same nose, the same ankles, eyes, teeth, ears and fingernails.
But I think that my hair, skin, body, lips, fingers, toes, feet, arms, chest, back, and… okay, just about everything would be different.
I just don’t feel like my body is an accurate representation of who I am. Perhaps that’s something I’ve learned from not really caring if people are ugly or not, and holding personality above looks. I’ve always preferred to hang out with uglies with great personalities over hotties that are vapid or boring.
I don’t know. I just feel like my body will change one day and I’ll look like who I really am. But I know it never will. Which is strange.
